Some of you readers have heard about my experiences with the Secular Student Alliance here at Montclair State University, but for those of you who haven't... here's a little recap as well as some developing news:
As I was preparing to come to MSU last summer, there were already in my heart several different affinity groups on campus that I felt particularly called to connect with. Among those was the campus's Secular Student Alliance, or as I like to call them "The Atheist Club."
At the beginning of my time in college, at George Mason University in Fairfax, VA (Go Patriots!), I struggled with the faith in an intellectual way that 13 years of Catholic K-12 schooling couldn't prepare me for. The college scene that the media had beguiled me and my friends with, and we had been looking forward to during our junior and senior years of high school, turned out to be anything but the innermost desires of my heart. In fact, it was more of a pressure cooker... One where every venue of my daily life as a student was challenged. From the classroom, to the cafeteria, and dorm room I was surrounded by professors who preached relativism, friends who filled their hearts with everything this world offered them, and all sorts of life altering decisions that I suddenly had to make all on my own for the first time ever.
Somewhere in between the waking hours I spent agonizing over what I should major in, what I should do with my life, and how I would be able to pay off student loans after graduating in half of a decade, as a freshman I also worried about my faith. On one hand I had the experience of the Catholic tradition handed down from my family, and on the other I had all of my friends who claimed they could find happiness in ways that were completely irreconcilable with the teachings of the Church. Who was right? One couldn't be Catholic and making the decisions my friends were... and while I wasn't 'going off the deep end' to the degree that they were with the party scene, drugs, and alcohol, I was at the very most apathetic to the decisions they were making. "Well, if that makes them happy, then good for them," and without realizing it, by those very thoughts I became as relativistic as my professors. "On one hand I have the faith, and on the other a whole new world of ideas and possibilities," I thought, and like that - I went from questioning the faith, to doubting it, to outright denying it on campus.
And yet, somehow I knew I'd need to find a way to justify how I now thought I desired to live my life. So I chose to major in mathematics and philosophy... "Can't get much more logical than that, right?"
In addition to class, I'd spend hours after school at the local Borders Bookstore in downtown Fairfax, perusing through all sorts of books on math and philosophy trying to find a perfectly cogent argument that would disprove God's existence. But instead I found a cacophony of arguments from both ends of the spectrum, and every time it seemed as though one had it, the other side would retort in such a way that my brain couldn't see anything other than an intellectual dead-lock.
But if God exists, why would he hide himself? If he exists, why would there be seemingly logical arguments as to why he didn't? Was he really out there? What is God if he can't be known?
I was so confused.
I didn't believe in God.
And praise God, because there was a Catholic priest who agreed with me!
At the end of that year, and at the great prompting of a close friend, I decided to attend a silent retreat with the campus's Catholic Campus Ministry. The very idea of a weekend of silence and reflection away in the mountains of Pennsylvania resounded so sweetly in my mind, and were it not for the fact that I knew every Catholic student on the retreat would practice silence all weekend - I wouldn't have gone. But as my brokenness would have it, by Saturday afternoon I couldn't take it. I had to talk to someone.
So I walked into the confessional...
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned... it's been a while, and I honestly don't even believe in God."
There it was. No if's and's or but's... just the contents of my heart and mind.
"Well, why not?" said the priest with a small smile on his face.
I told him all about my journey that year, from seeing my friends go off the 'deep end,' to really questioning my faith all on my own for the first time, to being surrounded by so many confusing voices that left me wondering if anyone really knows anything about God, and if he does exist, then he's hiding somewhere out there and I don't want know follow his rules anyhow.
"I agree with you," said the priest, "you shouldn't believe in God."
"...come again?"
"Well, I didn't become a priest because of a set of facts. I didn't give my life to the faith because it made sense to me like a jig saw puzzle... I mean sure, there are parts that intellectually make sense to me here and there, but the main reason I'm Catholic is because of a lived relationship with a PERSON... not a intellectual fact. I don't worship some mathematical equation... Knowing a who is always more real than a what. Think of all of the books, papers, etc. you've read as credit card statements, FBI phone records, and a birth certificate of some John Doe you've never met. Would you be logically cornered into thinking the person was real?"
"No, Father - not at all. That's not enough."
"Exactly! You'd have to meet him, right? Well it's the same with God... Have you ever really listened in prayer?"
"..."
"I thought so," he said with another small smile...
I left the confessional a different person. It wasn't a grand moment of conversion or anything like that, and actually the rest of the retreat was still relatively uncomfortable, but it was the first time I let someone water the seeds that my parents and teachers had planted. Over the course of the next few years, they sprouted, and I kept studying math and philosophy, but also watched as God unfolded himself in my life. From the dorm room, to the classroom and cafeteria, everything changed.
So, as you can imagine - I sincerely wanted to reach out to the Atheist club on campus as I rolled up in August. And not knowing what to expect, I just walked into the first meeting and was totally transparent as the members went around introducting themselves.
"Hey everyone, my name's Mark. I used to be an agnostic atheist, but now I'm (although sooo far from saintly perfection) a Roman Catholic. If you guys are cool with me sitting in on your meetings, I'd really like to do that. I enjoyed these meetings at my alma mater, and I just thought it'd stretch some good intellectual muscles for me if I was welcome to sit in..."
Now... they either saw me as a benign friendly face who was no threat to them at all, or as fresh meat they could tear to shreds, but either way (and it's been a slight combination of both over the year) they welcomed me right in!
In other exciting news, they've asked me to give a presentation on why I was, and why I'm not an atheist anymore! It's tomorrow night from 8:30pm - 10:00pm, so please pray that I speak clearly and concisely! More details and a posted text to come! :)
